Should I Stay or Should I Go (off Social Media)

Facebook provides plenty of options for your relationship status. Single. In a relationship. In an open relationship. Engaged. Married. Divorced. All valid options. All with crystal clear boundaries. Hence, I admire how one particular relationship status calls this status into question. Rather than defining the relationship, this status deconstructs the relationship, muddying the waters. Introducing my favorite relationship status:

Image Source: tenor.com

I can find no better way to describe my relationship - not with a person, but with social media. I'm far from the only one with this complicated relationship. As a millennial, I witnessed the rise of social media before it was normalized. Newer generations were born into this normalization, such as teens with constant access to online information and digital spaces. According to this study by the Pew Research Center, "Today, 97% of teens say they use the internet daily, compared with 92% of teens in 2014-15 who said the same. In addition, the share of teens who say they use the internet almost constantly has gone up: 46% of teens say they use the internet almost constantly, up from only about a quarter (24%) of teenagers who said the same in 2014-15." Considering the increase in how many teens and how often teens utilize the internet, I found it fascinating to learn how divided teens were on the subject of living without social media. As the study notes, "When reflecting on what it would be like to try to quit social media, teens are somewhat divided whether this would be easy or difficult. Some 54% of U.S. teens say it would be very (18%) or somewhat hard (35%) for them to give up social media. Conversely, 46% of teens say it would be at least somewhat easy for them to give up social media, with a fifth saying it would be very easy."

To be honest, I was surprised by this final statistic. Teens can't live without their phones is an assumption that's been drilled into my head. And yet, 46% would find it easy to give up social media. This statistic led me to wonder - what would happen if teens opted to give up social media, or the internet altogether? Is going off the grid even possible in a world so reliant on "staying connected?" Do digital spaces hinder or help our human need for connection?

To explore these questions, I dived into two case studies about fellow tech users who omit or limit their technology use. It's a road that some might find easy, and others might find difficult. As I discuss their journeys, I'll share my own travels on this road - trying to understand exactly why, in Facebook's words, it's complicated.

Case Study 1: The Luddite Teens

Contrary to the assumption that teens can't get off their phones, the Luddite Club high school students quit social media to "socialize without screens" (in the words of a club member in the above video.) By staying off social media and using flip phones (rather than smartphones), the Luddite Club omits and limits their technology use. In their words, technology made it easier to be "disconnected from reality," while being tech-free made it easier to be "more present in your life, in your community, in your actions, in who you are."

I find it interesting that this tech-free space is made possible through a social space - i.e. a club. By making a shared commitment with other teens, this club opened opportunities for these teens to connect with each other. I can imagine that this support network helped alleviate the fear of missing out on online connection. When this online connection leads to escapism, as expressed by one club member, it can lead to feeling disconnected.

I can certainly relate to feeling disconnected in a space that's designed for connection. That's partly why my relationship with Facebook is so complicated. In recent years, Facebook has been an invaluable resource for creating events and connecting with friends in my pride group ELGbtq+. However, I first needed to change how I used Facebook, reshaping it into a tool for connection, rather than fuel for anxiety. Prior to making these changes, I noticed a pattern in my Facebook usage. I'd break up with Facebook, take a break to work on myself, then get back together with Facebook. After making a new account, I'd feel the change in my brain chemistry, the rush as I added friend after friend. Alas, I always ended up escaping into other people's lives, leaving no time for living my own. Inevitably, I'd delete Facebook once again, granting a feeling of relief till the cycle repeated.

Case Study 2: Kevin's Phone Problem

I'm far from the only one stuck in unhealthy relationships with technology. In his article Do Not Disturb: How I Ditched My Phone and Unbroke My Brain, Kevin Roose describes his former phone use as cycles of "addiction" and "relapse," portraying the unhealthy nature of the relationship. Interestingly, he doesn't call for omitting technology completely, like how the Luddite Club omitted social media and smartphones. Instead, he proposes, "The point isn’t to get you off the internet, or even off social media — you’re still allowed to use Facebook, Twitter and other social platforms on a desktop or laptop, and there’s no hard-and-fast time limit. It’s simply about unhooking your brain from the harmful routines it has adopted around this particular device, and hooking it to better things." To achieve these better habits, Kevin didn't ditch his phone entirely. Instead, he ditched his phone habits, developing healthier habits to cultivate a happier life (even if it meant locking his phone up in a mini-safe overnight.)

Image Source: Demetrius Freeman for The New York Times

As if debating whether or not to send a final break-up text, I'd hovered over the button for deleting my Facebook profile. Before cutting ties one last time, I had an idea - what if I changed the way I used Facebook, rather than the fact I used Facebook? If me and Facebook were never meant to be soulmates, could we still be friends? Or at least, awkward acquaintances?

In the end, setting healthy habits meant setting healthy boundaries. Since checking the newsfeed led to mindless scrolling - or worst, doomscrolling - I unfollowed nearly everyone, making the newsfeed so terrifically boring that I wouldn't want to check it. Since I have a compulsive need to reply immediately anytime my phone buzzes, I uninstalled Facebook Messenger. I stay logged out of Facebook anytime it's not in use, forcing myself to type my egregiously long password every single time. By setting these boundaries, I find that Facebook hasn't taken up so much real estate in my mind. I treat it more like a tech tool, not a digital space. Although digital spaces can be invaluable, Facebook just wasn't a healthy space for me to spend a ton of time. Ever since minimizing my Facebook use, I've had more time to maximize the joys of my own life.

Case Study 3: My Life

After reflecting on my past social media use, I'd like to be more intentional about cultivating healthy habits. Although my Facebook use has dwindled considerably, I'd like to stay vigilant about how well I'm spending my time online, and how well I'm feeling while doing so. Although I don't see myself surrendering my smartphone, I do wish to make better use of its features, such as Bedtime Mode, to set better boundaries. Inspired by the Luddite Club, I'd love to try a screen-free day on a day off work, cultivating an appreciation for the technology that's so central to my career as a library professional and as a writer.

Can I survive without my phone? Like the teens surveyed by the Pew Research Center, my opinion's divided on how easy or difficult it is to travel the road ahead.